Revenge is a dish best served cold - please help me decide how

OK minions…

I need some assistance here.

I need to find the perfect way to punish my human for an unforgivable act against the kitty last night.

Not only did she have the nerve to leave me alone all day to go snowshoeing. Not only did she have to nerve to come home and leave again to go to ZooLights and out to dinner with a friend.

But get this (brace yourselves) she had the audacity to take a bath and lock the kitty out of the bathroom.

No matter how much I yowled, threw myself against the door and stuck my paws under, she stayed in that damn tub.

This is UNACCEPTABLE. There are to be NO unsupervised visits to the bathroom, ever, for any reason.

She claims that when I walk in and out several times before and during her bath in freezing weather, that I let all the heat out.

Tough!

If she doesn’t want to get cold, then maybe she shouldn’t be out playing in the snow and walking around the zoo and night in freezing weather.

She should be home petting the kitty.

So I’m creating a poll.)

I can’t create a real one on LJ, because my cheapskate human won’t give me a paid account.

How should I get revenge on my human (please vote in the comment section)

#1 barf up a wet, juicy disgusting hairball (I just did that, so it will take time to get another good one ready)

#1 chew up a book

#2 chew up a DVD cover

#3 open up all the drawers/cabinets in the kitchen and pull things out

#4 knock things off of shelves/tables

#5 fart in her face

#6 eat her plants

#7 claw something

#8 shed all over something

#9 sulk

#10 give her the stink eye

#11 give her the pink eye (if you’ve ever seen a kitty walk away in contempt with her tail in the air, you’ll know what this is)

#12 other (please explain in comments)

I look forward to hearing your suggestions.

~BadKitty

yes, Yes, YES, BAST YES !!!

OMG…

I have a new favorite human.

Kelly from Kiawah Island.

My human went on and on about the cool Christmas card and the postcards of Sea Turtles (who cares about stupid endangered Loggerhead Sea Turtles other than my hippie environmental activist human?)

Inside the package was an awesome prezzie for ME !!!

It is after all, ALL about the kitty.

It’s a hand knit mouse filled with kitty drugs…

Ooooh

Yeah

Baby

That’s GOOD nip !!!





~BadKitty

I do NOT have a problem

I don’t know what you may have heard from my human, but I do not have a “problem” (now, the slug and champagne, that’s another story entirely)

I just like my nip. And unlike wussy kitties, I don’t just roll around in it and sniff it, I eat it. Yep, that’s right, I “mainline” the good stuff.

Knut and Alice, two of my favorite humans got me the best nip. (oooh, look at all the pretty colors)

I only have one thing to say.

Do NOT touch my nip.



I’ll make you bleed.

~Bad Kitty

Worshiping the Kitty

My human’s friends came over last night to “celebrate the solstice”.

Yeah right. We all know that the only reason anyone comes here is to worship the kitty.

It’s all about me!

I most definitely held court. Everyone adored me (and rightly so, after all, the evening was all about me) I occasionally wandered into the middle of the living room and let them all pet me. Then I’d go hide so that they’d all say, “Where is the kitty?”. Because it’s just not a party without the kitty.

One of my favorite “Icky boys”, Knut, so wants me to love up on him.

I kind of like him more than the rest, but I don’t let him know it, I make him work for it…

The way you “let” a human worship you, is to make them get on the floor and reach. The scoot just a bit out of the way until their all sprawled out like the insane, clumsy hairless monkeys they are.



When you’re really good, you can make TWO of them reach.



It’s even better if you let them bring you a present!

Then they think they’re entitled and they have to show everyone how much you love them.

Speaking of presents, he brought me one.

But he had the nerve to wrap it and try to put it under the tree so that I have to wait for some stupid human holiday to have it opened for me.

Yeah right.

Watch how a real bad kitty gets what she wants…







That’s it for now…

Kitties, go get your presents !

~BadKitty

The throne. YOUR throne

There are many names for the throne; porcelain goddess, potty, loo, privy, outhouse, toilet, etc… you get the idea.

But the true name of the throne on which your humans must worship you is.

“the PET me seat”

Humans should never be allowed in the bathroom unescorted at any time. On the off chance they sneak in and actually have the audacity to close the door, you must yowl, and throw yourself at the door hard enough to shake the whole room. To finish off the full effect, lay on your side or back and stick one paw as far in as you can. This will get them out of the tub to let you in. (ah, cute and terrifying at the same time)

Whenever they undress, you should stare at them. Never let them know what you are thinking when you do so. (but they DO look silly with their fur off don’t they?)

Now back to the seat.

It is imperative that they pet you when they are on the “pet me seat”.

That’s what it’s for, because we all know that civilized creatures bury their poop.

~BadKitty

It's KITTYmas, NOT Christmas or Xmas

Attention feline friends

There is an extremely misguided effort among our humans trying to claim that Kittymas is some sort of holiday for them.

As if!

If your humans put presents under their tree that they think are for them, it is YOUR job to rip them open, they belong to YOU!

Behold the glory that is KITTYmas !!!

Fluffy 2:1-20

“On this day a kitty was born in a laundry hamper, soon that kitty will become a powerful self-righteous cat, She will become our mistress.

On this day a star shone as bright as it could telling all of the birth of our Kitty who all some day save us all from our delusions of grandeur and sense of self importance.

On this day the Queen of Petsmart was born to the Cute Calico on the corner, on this day the Queen of Petsmart was born to protect us all from Dogs and Dog People.

On this day our Savior was born on your favorite cashmere sweater. She has enslaved us, shed on us, and barfed up hairballs for us

Let us celebrate the day our Queen Kitty was born”

--Kittymas.”

And now, here is an example you can learn from. Those prezzies are for YOU !!!







Now go open YOUR prezzies kitties !!!

Ciao and Meow…

~BadKitty

Bad Kitty's Hint of the Day

Always lick your butt before kissing your humans.



Caio and Meow

~BK

Luggage and Backpacks...

no, No, NO !!!

Luggage and backpacks are completely unacceptable items for your humans to bring into your home.

They mean only ONE thing.

That they are leaving you.

Do NOT allow these things in your home.

If your human is naughty and sneaks one in, it is your job to guard it so that their things can’t be put into them. When my human brings out a backpack or suitcase, I sleep in it.

You HAVE to sleep in it. Humans are sneaky creatures.



Next, I will post about the dangers of cat carriers… (they usually mean a trip to the vet, where they often do unspeakable things to you)

~BK

Kittymas !!!

OK my feline friends…

The biggest and best holiday of the year is almost upon us.

Kittymas!

Kittymas is great. It’s a day where your humans give you lots and lots of presents (some of them intentionally) and the whole living room turns into a playground.

Just for YOU!

Make sure your humans properly celebrate this holiday.

Here’s a song to get them started…

“The Twelve Days of Kittymas”

"On the twelfth day of Kittymas my human gave to me….

Twelve catnip mice

Eleven butt pattings

Ten ear scratches

Nine dangly ornaments

Eight empty boxes

Seven shiny bows

Six packs of kitty treats

Five unguarded houseplants

Four rolls of wrapping paper

Three yards of ribbon

Two bouncy balls

and a A piece of turkey dropped on the floor..."

Now go train your humans

Ciao and Meow

~BK

Welcome to the Cat House

Welcome minions friends,

I finally got my lazy human to create a blog for me.

This way, I can more effectively enlist the help of Simon, Pye and others in my quest for world domination.

Besides, that stupid Banana Slug has one.

More later.

I have other things I need to get my human to do for me.

Ciao and Meow

~BK